Modern Social Etiquette for Being on the Scene
The L'Assemblage NYC guide for etiquette tips for NYC socializing, moving + shaking.
Hello beautiful people, welcome to the assembly!
Modern times call for a new social code. The ways we approach communication in real-life situations are completely different with the invention of the metaverse and the online world.
I have learned a new way to socialize as I continue to navigate my journey living in the city. NYC is like nowhere else; there is a specific social signature that exists here that is unlike anywhere in the country, dare I say the world. My old social code has been upgraded immensely as I have navigated spaces, leisurely and professionally. I am constantly learning more about appropriate social behaviors and decided to document and share my learnings thus far.
Here is the L’Assemblage NYC guide to modern social etiquette, what to watch out for and to do while socializing.
Practice your social skills in different spaces by yourself
Practice socializing in any way you can. Learning to speak to diverse groups of people is such an important skill. Be kind and open to learning from many kinds of people. Being alone in places allows you to branch out and speak to people. Go to a bar, or restaurant alone and speak to patrons who are open to talking. You never know who you may meet. Just be cautious accepting drinks and food from strangers and practice safety the best you can.
Respect personal space and others’ social wants
In NYC, a city that is so populated and congested, people maintain their personal space in ways different than other places. Eye contact, body language, and nonverbals are important to read to see whether someone wants to engage. For some, reading nonverbal cues that express one does not want to engage may be difficult, or they have not learned how to properly read social cues. In those cases, verbally express that you do not want to be bothered.
Broaden your horizon, broaden your social scope
Pick up a book, listen to intellectual podcasts, and read newspapers and/or magazines outside your scope of interest. Dive into philosophical thinking if you have the time. Be able to discuss a variety of topics outside of your interests and niches. Looks are not enough, there has to be a brain behind a pretty face.
Stay knowledgeable on a variety of topics and cherish diversity of thought. Be respectful, listen actively, and be open to hearing others’ opinions and beliefs. It allows you to speak to diverse groups of people, a necessary skill in New York City. Not everything has to be an argument either, some people may be aggressive with their beliefs - let them be, calmly explain points and counters effectively. People will ingest that effectively versus someone shoving their opinions in people’s faces.
Watch your words, tones and modes of communication
Know what kind of language to use based on the environment you are in. In some spaces, you can use Ebonics or lax, colloquial language. In other spaces that is not allowed and you are expected to speak eloquently, with more of a dated charm. Watch for swearing/curse words in certain spaces too. Nothing is worse than seeing someone’s face turn because you said a swear and did not excuse yourself.
Respect all patrons at a party
All people invited to an event deserve to be there and take up space, no matter what. Try not to act shady toward people at an event, especially if it is unwarranted. If you feel as though there are patrons at the event who are acting as if you should not be there or are ‘throwing shade’ - either kill them with kindness and ignore them or leave if it is too much. If you are irritated by people at an event, stick to the people you are familiar with, take a break to collect yourself, or leave.
I have experienced this on both sides. Yes, people have explicitly told me to my face that I should go home from an event I was at; explicit expression that they do not want my presence there. Sometimes people were so visibly irritated by my presence simply for being there. My self-awareness is high so I used to wrangle in my mind what it is I could have done to warrant that behavior and most times my behavior was fine (I and my behavior are not always perfect…). It’s a testament to your power, people becoming irritable simply by your existence. If I am invited somewhere I do not care who does not want me to be there. I am going to enjoy myself and support my friends. Frankly, anyone who feels otherwise can continue to be mad. It shows so little couth and insecurity to attempt to bully people at our age and where we are in life. Allow people to have fun and leave your misery to yourself.
This being said, try your hardest not to take anything personally. People in the city interact with different intentions. Some will interact for networking and social climbing, so they will prioritize their attention to those who will help them accomplish this. Some will place you in different positions in their lives. You may not be their going-out friend, you’re the emotional support friend, or the networking event buddy and vice versa. I have realized that some people have reserves of kindness that they use for people they want to impress, and if they feel you are below them or cannot affect the trajectory of their lives, they will treat you poorly. That is life, unfortunately, and all you can do is go where you are loved and appreciated. No one is worth being disrespected for. Do not lower yourself, your worth, and your value for anyone.
Timing and how long you stay in attendance
There is an art to how long you stay at an event. If you feel as though you need to leave or know you have prior engagements later, leave at a time appropriate for you. It is not alright to pressure anyone into staying longer. Allow people to leave when they want and thank them for their presence.
Substances and party favors
Watch your limits and control yourself. By all means, have your fun but responsibly. No matter what it is you partake in, make sure you test your substances and know they are coming from trusted sources. Get test kits and test your substances. Please! Carry Narcan with you if necessary.
This being said, do not make any agreements or hold serious conversations with people under the influence. If you are under the influence, do not agree to anything you do not feel as though you are cognizant enough to follow through with. I say, don’t make any serious commitments at all under the influence.
Living in New York, you realize that most people are on something. If it’s not a substance they have some vice, likely one that could be considered unhealthy, that is keeping them together. Release judgment and assess whether someone’s behavior (and possible addictions) is affecting you and your life, then move accordingly.
Be mindful of why you were invited to the section. If you are too intoxicated to function, have your friends take you home or take care of yourself elsewhere. If you notice your friend is too intoxicated, be a good friend and take them home. If you are losing things, bumping and crashing into people, falling out, passing out - you need to go home babe, solely for your safety. Do not be so intoxicated that it is impeding others’ ability to have fun. Sleep it off and hopefully you feel well in the morning.
@littlebrowncharmschoolIntentional dating is being hyper aware of perception and selective with invitations. There is always an expectation when you’re invited. Someone took interest…but interest in what? What were you doing when you were tapped? #thelittlebrowncharmschool #blackfemininity #intentionaldating
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Headphones and earbuds
Take the AirPods and headphones off when at the table and when speaking to people. Even if they are not playing anything, take them out - it’s just courtesy.
Listen actively and give opinions less
Sometimes it’s best just to actively listen to who is speaking and offer support. Let them know they are seen and heard. Unsolicited advice is not necessary unless it is asked for or you ask if it is okay to offer advice. The other party may not be looking for a solution but rather the space to be heard, respect that.
Dress Code
Ask about the dress code if you are not sure. Dress for the occasion or find an outfit that allows for a good medium if you are not sure of the dress code. It’s always best to dress up rather than down - in my opinion, unless the occasion is obviously casual. (Being in NYC though and especially in fashion circles, know the scene you are going into and dress to stylize yourself as an individual, but also blend in well with the event. More than likely people will dress well regardless.)
Take photos, videos, and content responsibly
Bring a camera, digital or film, document moments, and share them with the patrons, especially the hosts of the event.
I find that this is such a helpful tip to connect with others and make a good impression delivering or sending scans of photos to the organizers and hosts of parties.
Not everything needs to be recorded or photographed. This one is for the content creators who kind of feel as though they have to record everything. Let’s focus on getting choice aesthetically pleasing moments, framing, and staging things if it is for content or social media posting purposes. Candids, in my opinion, are rarely as beautiful as they may seem. That being said, let’s refrain from recording anyone without their permission.
Enjoy the present moment
Stay present in the moment with the person you are conversing with. Let them know you value their presence by simply being in the moment with them. Look them in the eye, engage with what they are saying, nod your head, and react to their words.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone is distracted by their phone or something else while we are connecting. The world will not stop if you do not check your phone for the moments you are connecting with someone. If you are expecting an important phone call or need to check your phone, then let the person you are with know. Step out and handle what you need to do.
Allow silence to be
Silence and ‘pregnant pauses’ are alright to have sometimes. Conversations fall and rise and have phases, so it is alright to allow them to move like that.
Ask questions
Ask questions, clarifying questions with depth, to better understand someone what someone is saying is an easy way to keep a conversation going and show you are interested in what they are discussing. Remember the 5 W’s and H: who, what, when, where, why, and how?
Ask a good balance of questions to get to know people. Shying away from small talk topics like work or how the weather allows for memorable conversation. Allow the conversation to peel deeper and deeper. What is important to this person?
Use common manners and be polite
Say please and thank you. It’s polite! Do people not say please anymore? Rarely thank you… like what happened?
Say excuse me if you bump into someone or drop something. Own up to any mistakes if something was to break because of you. I have done this and had to pay to replace something. It happens, own up to mistakes and allow them to be.
USE YOUR ELBOW WHEN YOU COUGH OR SNEEZE
Not your hand… If possible, use a tissue. Turn your head away from the people you are talking to and excuse yourself. This seems like a lost art in the city. I see people on the streets, (my biggest ick) ON THE TRAIN, and in shared spaces, just coughing, hacking, and sneezing openly. No covering. Just germs… We need a national service announcement for this. It’s getting out of hand honestly.
Stay home if you are not feeling well. Give whoever needs to know, a notice that you are not well, then STAY HOME! Please… stop going to events sick and potentially getting others sick.
Be mindful of timeliness
Know when to be punctual. Respect the time of the people who are hosting or whatever the occasion is. This tip is for me, from me. I likely will be late, unless it is important and stressed for me not to be late or early arriving. Do not be like me though.
Watch for oversharing
In conversations, especially with people you are just meeting. Sometimes less is more. You do not owe anyone personal information, nor do you have to answer questions you feel are invasive or seem like a pry into your life. There are ways to kindly let conversations fall or speak your way out of these questions. It can also make people uncomfortable if you overshare personal details too quickly. There’s a time and place for everything and if the conversation flows in that direction, and you are willing to share, then do that. I’m not looking forward to hearing you divulge your many traumas when we were just discussing our favorite movies… how did we get here?
Be careful of interrupting others
This one is specifically for my neuro-spicy/neurodivergent friends. Allow people to finish voicing their thoughts completely. It can be exciting communicating with someone new about topics you have a passion for, especially if you have great insight to share. Keep a mental note of points you want to discuss while speaking to the other person. Interrupting someone while they speak can be seen as disrespectful, even if you do not have the intent to be disrespectful. I do this sometimes and apologize if I do get ahead of myself and interrupt someone, then allow them to finish.
Be wary of gossip and how it travels
Gossip is always going to be a part of navigating the social scene. It can be a fine line navigating how to handle gossip. Sometimes it is best to appease and listen to the party sharing their piece, offer some empathy, and then decide how you want to proceed. If you do not want to engage in the gossip, calmly decline to engage. Ex: “I hear you but I don't have an opinion or know about that. I am not going to speak on that.” Acknowledge gossip as what it is but do not let it completely drown your judgment, unless the information is severe and has reliable receipts. If you are the victim of gossip, I feel it is best to lead by example and let your actions speak for themselves. That being said - if you do dirt, then more than likely it will be talked about. Your reputation will overcome and be praised by honest people, naturally drowning out all opposition that may lie or exaggerate situations.
A quote to consider: “Be careful who you vent to because vents go into other rooms.” You never know how someone will use the personal details you tell them. Make sure to read Rule 18 again and watch your oversharing. NYC is huge, but very small at the same time, and gossip spreads like wildfire, especially in close-knit social groups.
Be yourself and have fun
Authenticity will shine above all. People can easily tell when you are changing yourself to fit into a mold of what you think will allow you to connect with people or get something out of them. Recognize that you will not be liked by everyone and that is okay! The real will stay with you, and you will find your people.
What are some of the tips for modern social etiquette that you follow? Leave a comment explaining any tips or tricks you have for better socializing and connecting with others.
Until next time, assembly dismissed!
